Seven Fun Methods For "Getting Over a
Break up"!
Step 1: Face reality.
Consider calling your ex on that promise that
they made. You know the one - when they promised to "die for you".
Okay, before you do anything
really stupid, such as coating the underside of your ex's car door handles
with your pet poodle, Fi-Fi's, droppings, (odds are Fi-Fi doesn't produce
enough do-do to do-do a thorough enough job on the scumbag's car, anyway!)
realize that you are in a very fragile and irrational state. This means that
you will consume mass quantities of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, cry during
McDonald's tv commercials, and seriously consider dying your hair orange
and getting a tattoo of a fly smack-dab at the end of your nose. Please
stop
and realize that these insane feelings, too,
shall pass. Who wants to be reminded of a bad breakup by having their nose
batted by a fly swatter for the rest of their days?
Be warned: Do NOT attempt to contact your ex!
Yes, you'll be tempted to call your ex during a 2 a.m. shooters-induced-tizzy,
or send an anonymous letter to their mother revealing all their naughty,
little bedroom habits, but what will that accomplish? Understand that there
is nothing you can do to bring your ex back, or diminish your pain
- short of kidnapping them, that is.
No. Kidnapping is not an option!
Beyond this, face it - your ex is a SOB and the
sooner you tell the world, the better. And last, but not least, thank the
good Lord that there is a mandatory waiting period after purchasing a
firearm.
Step 2: Pamper yourself!
Nothing like a hot bikini-wax to get those nerves
to quiet down! :) hehe
Please, don't make the mistake of exaggerating
your role in the breakup. For instance, it really doesn't matter that you
had an affair! After all, it WAS your ex's fault for being so lousy in bed,
right? If they had just read that manual you bought them for their birthday...!
And you know what manual I'm talking about, the one with the stick-people
gameplay diagrams, complete with the O's and the X's - and the G-spots.
Some things you can do to pamper
yourself:
Rent some good movies, such as 'The Burning
Bed', 'One Night Stand', 'Play Misty For Me', and, my personal favorite,
'Fatal Attraction'.
Make two lists. The first is a list of all your
great points, such as your awesome body, Menza I.Q., and sharp-as-a-tack
tongue. The second list is about your ex's bad points - i.e., the way they
used a blow-dryer to dry themselves (the best I've ever heard), the book
they bought on how to tell time like a pro, and the various methods they
used for removing excess gas from their bodies.
Write a sad, sappy breakup poem, such as:
"Who the hell does he think he is?"
I wrote in the women's stall...
"Let me say, as I take this piss...
Gregory Smith's wangy is really, really small!"
This poem works especially well if your ex happens
to be named 'Gregory Smith'.
Step 3: Don't keep it all inside!
Emotions denied tend to fester, so make sure
you release all that built-up frustration in a constructive manner.
Such as:
Take up running. For motivation on getting started go over to your
ex's house, throw a brick through their windshield, and 'run' as fast as
you can the hell outta there!
Beat your pillow. Your ex's $700 custom-made
cue stick should work perfectly for this job.
Break something. For instance, that
100-year-old bottle of wine your ex was saving for a special occasion.
Binge. It's perfectly okay to consume
twenty-dozen Twinkies in a twelve hour period. Just make sure you stick your
finger down your throat every ninth or tenth one.
Scream. Best done during fantastic orgasms
with your new, red-hot lover.
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Step 4: Stay active.
Take up parasailing, tennis, or scuba
diving.
Leave your ex to cough in your dust as you soar
right past them: go back to school, become a successful lawyer, run for the
presidential office, and bash your ex all through your campaign. Sure to
make them wince every time they turn the tv on.
Ask yourself, "what is my ex good at that he/she
also enjoys doing and does quite often?" For instance, let's say your ex
is good at golf and plays regularly. Take this info, learn to play golf like
a pro, show up at every one of your ex's golf games, and win!
Take up yoga, or a workout regimen at your local
gym. A firm, hard body is great for your ego - especially when you flaunt
it around your ex whenever the chance arises!
Step 5: Write your ex a letter.
Tell your ex what a nasty, vehement little
devil-creature they are. Hold nothing back! If you faked orgasm for the entire
22-months you were together, let them know. If you never really did like
their spoiled-rotten kids, now is the time to tell them. Skip nothing! Get
it all off your chest! Feel better? Good. Now throw the letter away.
On second thought, send it. And copies to your
ex's boss. Their mother. Their new lover.
Ha-ha. Just kidding.
Step 6: Get even!
How to get revenge:
Run for Senate. Of course, this works better
if you're married to the president.
If running for senate isn't an option, you can
still drive your ex nuts by pretending like the breakup never happened to
begin with. For example, call your ex up at work and ask what they would
like for dinner, or if they could pick up some milk on their way home. Act
confused by their 'bewilderment'. Hehe. Or...send everyone in his/her family
greeting cards on special occasions and sign both of your names. Show up
at 6:30 a.m. on Sunday morning to give the car a tune-up, or water the garden.
Call your ex up at 3 a.m. and ask him/her if they remembered to turn the
gas off on the stove and lock the front door before they came to
bed.
Step 7: Be Cool.
If all else fails, you still have denial to fall
back on.
What breakup?
by Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru
Tigress Luv , the Breakup Guru, is the author
of How to Get Over a Breakup, an instantly
available online webBook and website, or ebook download, designed to help
you understand and heal from a broken heart, and How
to STOP a Breakup, also an instantly available webBook and website,
or downloadable ebook, designed to help you STOP or reverse your breakup
and get your ex back. Both are available on this site and are free when you
join our community. |
